My Mom was SOOOOO mad when this came in the mail! Number 68 (Aug/Sep 1982) of the Wittenburg Door. It showed what you see up there. And the back page said, “All this and hemorrhoids too.” Or words to that effect. Well, the woman who worked at the Post Office in 12790 was shocked and horrified that a teenager would be getting such stuff in the mail. She called my Mom inside. Mom was beyond livid when she got home… and I said, “well, it’s a Christian Humor Magazine.”
I’m bringing this up now in light of our current re-escalated Cold War or perhaps better, Korean Missile Crisis to say to all my social media friends for whom this is new territory, Chill the Frog Out.
Every GenXer out there, slack and shiftless though they may seem, has survived a frogging cold war. We’ve lived through a stupid president with an insane military and an angry, prideful populace poking sticks at triggerhappy enemies. We don’t talk about it a lot because no one likes to talk about the war they survived – it’s dark and cold and no one listens anyway. All we’ve got now is a stupid President who doesn’t know how to act his age (near death…) and a Trigger Happy doofus that looks mostly like a Macy’s Parade Balloon.
Who would’ve thunk we could be in the middle of another one again? It’s actually not so bad. But, I got some advice for you. Treat this as coming from your crazy Uncle Festus, who looks like this:
But can be quite smart sometimes.
Rule 1: Let them go. From here on out everything that you do or don’t do will be turned into both pro-American and Anti-American propaganda. If you go out into the streets one side will say “See the people don’t support their govt” and the other side will say, “See we are free here, you can’t even spell freedom. Sad.” If you don’t go out into the streets, one side will say “See they support me.” And the other side will say, “See you’ve kowtowed them into obedience like a dictator.” Let them go. Make your moral choices based on whatever lights you may have and try not to pay them too much attention.
Rule 2: It’s going to be scary sometimes. Poking sticks and sabre rattling is hella hard work. Also, it’s basic terrorism 101. Scare your people and they will do what you want them to do. Let your enemy scare your people and tell them the only way to save them is do what you want them to do. They will try really hard to scare us. Get ready because it’s going to be scary sometimes. Scarier than a holographic Jackson Five Reunion tour or a Creeping Russian Theocracy. That brings up
Rule 3: Don’t let them scare you. Seriously. When they say “We’re going to bomb San Francisco.” Come to SF and start a Banking Rush. It works. All the Alex P. Keatons moved here in the 80s and took over. And that was just the beginning. Go get a job, raise kids, grow peanuts, find a spouse, pay your taxes, file your S-1s, watch the latest movie, buy good food, good beer, and good booze. Don’t let anyone scare you into buying guns, freeze-dried food, or extra tanks of water. See following.
Rule 4: There is no way to survive one. Seriously. If you’re in a city, you’re going to die. If you’re not in a city, there won’t be power, internet, food delivery, water, air conditioning, Whatever. All gone. Think: Mad Max and Walking Dead throw a holiday party and kill anyone that looks normal. Unless you already are that person and you know who I mean, you’re not them because you’re reading this, but, unless you already are that person, you won’t get to become that person in the 18mins that we will have.
It’s tempting to think (or to be tempted by marketers into thinking), “Give me a gun and some thicker plate glass, some blast curtains, 300lbs of freeze dried soup and a tub of gin and I’ll sit it out.”
But it’s not like that at all. Realism is so important when dealing with gov’t bullshit.
Seriously, this is why you just keep going. Get up, make love, wash the car, feed the cat, go to work, go hiking, and one day you will just evaporate. There will be a cool shadow – just like in the last episodes of Battlestar Galactica. That’s it.
Far more important that being scared (because they say to), and getting ready (as if), or fighting them (because a different them says to) and making a fuss of any kind at all, is zeroing out all the static and living your life. My generation learned this from Mr Spock. “This is illogical.” Right now the world seems to learn from Dr Who, who is like the world biggest drama queen super hero. Sure, things get fixed, but, gah, all the feelz.
Let them go.
If you are the praying kind, this will make sense: go to confession more often.
But even if you’re not the praying sort, I advise making peace with whatever friends you have, loving whatever enemies you have, apologizing to the opposite side of the political spectrum, and to your own side as well, pay off your debts, and then, just try loving people more.
This plan totally worked the last time. And the time before that. And before that. And it won’t make your hemorrhoids better if you stress out all the time.