On Whether Pineapple Should be Allowed on Pizza.

Objection 1. It would seem that pineapple is a fruit. While there are desert pizzas in such places as Cici’s, topped in strawberries and apples, these are horrid abominations. Therefore pineapple would seem out of place on a pizza and not be allowed.

Objection 2. Further, it would seem the pineapple is a tropical fruit and entirely out of place in the Mediterranean diet and therefore not allowed on pizza.

Objection 3. It would also seem that the pineapple was unknown to our ancestors and as such should not be allowed on pizza.

Objection 4. It seems, further, that Pineapple was first placed on pizza in California, which is certainly not Italy, and from whence have come many, many things that should not be allowed on pizza or in Italy, and therefore pineapple is not to be allowed on pizza.

Objection 5. Ew. Yuck. It should not be allowed on pizza.

Sed Contra, pineapple is a tasty way to add both sweet and sour to what is otherwise an unctuous and umami laden dish. Pineapple rightly belongs on pizza.

I answer that pizza arrises in many cultures: a flat bread, baked on the bottom of the oven, with toppings to hand. Abba Eban has even suggested that ancient Romans first made pizza adding toppings to the unleavened breads baked at Passover. The Romans certainly had no qualms adopting and adapting local foods from all parts of their empire. Pizza is usually topped with a fat, such as olive oil and possibly cheese. This is often cut with an acid, such as tomato, this latter, however, was not traditional because it came from the Americas and would have been unknown in the European traditions until after the arrival of Columbus to these shores. Pineapple, also, was first found by Europeans here, on the island of Guadeloupe. As such they are sacred to Our Lady and all the more should be acceptable to our palates.

Finally, pineapple is often paired with pork, which is a prominent topping on pizza when meat is involved, outside of Lent and other fasting seasons. Pineapple is often paired with bacon, which should unassailable, with Canadian bacon, which comes from an imaginary place, but still is a possible replacement for the previous topping. However it is with pepperoni, another topping invented on these shores in the early 20th century, that pineapple shines most excellently. Pork on pizza being unquestioned, pineapple is a logical pairing with it as it is most amiably suited in flavor profile and cultural expectations. Pineapple and pepperoni, with the optional garnish of yet a third topping from the Americas, the jalapeño, creates a suitable experience for the palate, balancing unctuous umami with sour, sweet, salty, and bitter.

In creating balance for the five tastes, pineapple also balances out the humours, evening out the other weaknesses which the soul of the eater posses, a fruit filled with many graces, as is fitting for one sacred to Our Lady.

Because it was brought to Italy from the same source as the tomato, creates a balance in the palate, and, further, is sacred to our Lady, as well as beeing right and just, Pineapple should be allowed on pizza.

Replies to objections:

Objection 1. While Cici’s serves many abominations, pineapples are indeed a fruit, as is tomato. The invalidity of “dessert pizza” and of Cici’s does not de jure cause the invalidity of pineapple on pizza. The earliest mentions of pizza include cheese topped with figs, which while often perceived as fruit are, indeed, a bouquet of flowers, but there’s nothing wrong with fruit on a pizza. It’s tradition.

Objection 2. Pineapples are, indeed, tropical. Like tomatoes they are unheard of in ancient Roman and Italian cooking until these tropical items were first brought to them in the 16th century.

Objection 3. Almost all the traditional toppings for pizza, originated here in the Americas were unknown to our ancestors. Even the Anchovie was an American staple, being part of the American homelife during Lent.

Objection 4. Pineapple on Pizza was first invited by Sam Panopoulos, a Greek Orthodox restaurateur living in Toronto, far to the north of Manhattan. This was in the 1960s. It was not invented in California – or even in Hawai’i

Objection 5. What are we, Six? Stop acting like a child and eat your unctuous umami with sour, sweet, salty, and bitter in perfect balance like an adult. Still, if you want to say, simply, “I don’t like this.” That is perfectly ok, as it does not invalidate pineapple on pizza, but rather affirms your conscience in the matter.